Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
