i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
