I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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