he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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