I've blown a few things in my day
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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