Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
