this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
