Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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