I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
