I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
