I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
