just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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