Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
