So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
