i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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