I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
