can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
