my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
