My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize