If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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