Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
