If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
