What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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