he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
