I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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