It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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