Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
