my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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