Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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