there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
