If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
