Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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