3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
