So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
