So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
