I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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