the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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