stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
