remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just cut my nipple shaving
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
