Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i dont even know how to be here
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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