There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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