in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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