I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
