my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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