it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
