five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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