You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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