my phone needs a breathalizer
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
