So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
