Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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