drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
