she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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