My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
