why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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