life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
