Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
