With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
