we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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