Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
