remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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