If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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