He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
